Bewildered

 22nd July 22.

So l am so confused. G came over last night for dinner. l'd had a good chat with S earlier in the day and she had a completely different take on it all from K. She was more concerned about his wellbeing, and the state of his mind. While we sat there chatting my position. began to shift again. Oh my God I am so tired of doing this - shifting not knowing where I stand. The uncertainty of it all. The fears of being led up the garden path

If he is seeing someone else - it is going to come out six months later and I'll look a fool. Or even worse I get told, if l had done something now I'd have fixed it now. It feels like being in quicksand. I can't get a grip on anything - it is all moving and least of all do I know how I feel or how feels. Is that how he is? God knows. I'm sat in one of my favourite cafes with a decaf oat latte and Edwyn Collins is playing 'Rep it Up'- it is so apt as a song for my mood, it hurts. I feel so bewildered him saying he missed me and then me asking what bits he misses and what bits he doesn't, was just bewildering. Yes I know I've already said that but it fits, it fits. Bewildering is so appropriate for how I feel. What am I meant to do? Go away, don't go away. I know it is only for a month but still the world can change dramatically in a month. What if he meets someone while we're away?

Then I think ... hang on you were feeling happy to chat to other people but now I feel awful that the few people I have connected with on the dating site are being led up the garden path by me. But how do I know? I really thought I was going to be fine. I was moving on, however, much it hurt I was going to do it but yesterday evening changed that and I HATE it. He has such control over me - does he know that? He must at some level.

I keep trying to think about what M said to me yesterday. 'You were together a long time and you just have to give him time to see what will happen.' But how come he gets to dictate everything? It feels unfair. I then think do I want him back? Of course I do, but l don't want to get hurt again like this. If the underlying reasons for him leaving now have not been resolved, I don't want him back. That is the hardest thing to recognise alongside the fact he may realise it can't work and that although he misses me, he can't love me. The new role I have also challenges the whole situation - he's protecting himself from me being even more work obsessed. Of course, the thing about my work is just how difficult it is for me to moderate how much l do. I know I threw myself into work as a refuge when l couldn't connect with G. What if we can't be together until I retire or die? God it is also terrifying and bewildering and confusing! Hold on to what M says!

Love love love xxx.