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Bewildered

  22nd July 22. So l am so confused. G came over last night for dinner. l'd had a good chat with S earlier in the day and she had a completely different take on it all from K. She was more concerned about his wellbeing, and the state of his mind. While we sat there chatting my position. began to shift again. Oh my God I am so tired of doing this - shifting not knowing where I stand. The uncertainty of it all. The fears of being led up the garden path If he is seeing someone else - it is going to come out six months later and I'll look a fool. Or even worse I get told, if l had done something now I'd have fixed it now. It feels like being in quicksand. I can't get a grip on anything - it is all moving and least of all do I know how I feel or how feels. Is that how he is? God knows. I'm sat in one of my favourite cafes with a decaf oat latte and Edwyn Collins is playing 'Rep it Up'- it is so apt as a song for my mood, it hurts. I feel so bewildered him saying
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Trust is so damning

Today it feels difficult to write - I am not sure why but it does. The last couple of days it has just poured out but today I feel stilted and and unsure. Is it the prospect of him coming round tonight? Is it my internal wrangle about trusting what he is proposing in terms of the car and the house and finances. Is it the dilemma over do I don't I want to know who she is, and what has really caused him to leave? Or can I just park all these things and carry on as normal. That's what I did before though. I carried on as normal and didn't question and inquire. I trusted too much. God I am such a Pollyanna I see the good in everything! Don't get me wrong I do worry but my sense or commitment to seeing the good in people is at times is overwhelming and if I'm honest paralysing. I can't keep doing this - thinking everything will be ok. So here goes for my organising things when he's here and I am not (only in Mexico nothing more sinister please). My list for him b
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